Dug this out from a pile of personals.
Written on June 18, 2010:
I’ve started to notice my strong emotional attachment and have seen a pattern through my life. I have this constant need to be cared for (not to be mistaken with to be taken care of). Just attention that is only focused on me.
My kindergarten best friend, I’m assuming, must have been the first to give me that full attention. As I’m told from many stories, we used to hang out a lot. And then after leaving China, my new best friend was the only one I would play with. Even others around us noticed how hard it was to separate us. The only time we would be apart was when I would go back to China or when she’d go back to England. Others were intimidated by this. I seem to be fully satisfied to have the full attention of one person versus scattered attention from many. I guess this is what you would call quality over quantity?
By the way, I should be finishing my essay. Instead, I’ve discovered another thing about myself.
So when I moved to Canada, and having to part from my best friend, I was devastated and she even cried. But alas, I was young and adapted quickly to new environments. I was used to being the only non-white and when I moved to a little Jewish neighbourhood, I got used to things very easily. You could say I made a lot of friends on the first day, especially when they found out where I had lived before moving here. So even with all the attention, I was still homesick and probably cried, though I can’t remember. I was sending faxes (’cause that’s what you did back then instead of emailing) to my best friend and I was still thinking in the language I spoke there. Then as days moved on, I found myself asking her if she had found another best friend because we both knew that day would come. So then came the time I stopped sending her faxes and that led to what we do now, which is random emails between our parents and birthday presents that were picked out of complete clueless notions of what the other would like. Anyways, so after a while, I had found good friends. Actually, I have to say I never did try, and that is the complete truth. I never tried to find friends or make friends; they always came to me. I was always very shy with anyone new. Then as I knew the person more, I would be more outgoing, yet still awkward sometimes. This was the me that lasted until grade 6. Then I moved again, and had to go through the process again. Except this time I really had no best friend, only a few good friends that are now mere childhood friends. Then came puberty yet I became this hyper, happy-go-lucky girl that could careless what the person next to her thought. But I still kept that shy, quiet side, except now it’s a side and not entirely me.
Okay, I went off-topic. Back to attachment…. I guess what I’m trying to explain to myself here is why I feel left out and why it affects me so much more than it used to. Okay, I changed my theory just now. It’s my mental state–yeah, let’s put it at that. My weakness and my vulnerability have strengthened and I’ve given in to them. Not completely, but pretty much given in, unwillingly of course.
I really need a retail job to keep my mask on 24/7 until it becomes me. Until I kick the evil out.